I Thought Wrong

Hope is not something I normally have. Faith and trust in others; not my thing. I believe that people are bound to disappoint. It is human nature. For that reason, I have a hard time getting *really* close to people, because I never have enough faith that they will be around long enough to matter.

But every now and then, I start to have a glimmer of faith. I start to think that people will stick to the things they say. That I'm important enough to others to matter.

And every time, I'm disappointed.

TA has been one of the most amazing during this whole ordeal. He has been encouraging me to go to group therapy and I finally said yes. I planned to go on Tuesday. He said he would meet with me before and go with me to GMHC because he had to go there also. He offered to be available after to talk if I wanted. I thought this was the nicest thing. Knowing how nervous I am about going to one of these things, I'd like to be able to have support before/after.

Yesterday, we were hanging out with MK on his roof. TA texted the boy he is dating to get dinner this week. They made plans for Tuesday night. That completely killed my mood. I didn't want to say anything at the moment because 1) MK was there and doesn't know what's going on, and b) I don't want my life to burden other people living their own. He made an offer and now he found something else to do. I don't want him to come with me out of guilt. I want him to do it because he wants to.

I'm just a little disappointed. But I should have known. Maybe I'm being too sensitive; I'm known to be that way.

Who Will Follow Me Into The Dark?

The last two days flew by so quickly. I can't say that they were "good" days, but I guess they weren't terrible days. But for some reason it felt like a really shitty week.

Tonight, I had a meeting with ND and DP for our start-up. My ability to contribute and maintain balance came up, and I now have to make a decision if I want to take a month off to just focus on me. Part of me feels like this is a good idea, but another part of me feels like nothing good will come of doing that.

Lots to think about.

Afterwards, I met up with the boys to watch a group of short plays at a small theater in the East Village. It was a good time; better than I expected, actually. My mind didn't wander too much and there were no mood swings. But, at times, there were thoughts. Thoughts of relationships and thoughts of being alone.

Right before the show started, NP texted me. I keep going back and forth between "breaking up" with him or staying around. I have been leaning towards ending it, but the other night when I was there, I thought that was the wrong decision. Ultimately, I know I'm not in a place to offer him what he is looking for, and I have way too much to sort out. He seems totally ready for another step. I never even expected us to be sticking it out this long.

And all of this just makes me feel guilty. Guilty that I am thinking of ending it. Guilty that I have let it go on this long. Guilty for the stupid decision and the risk that put him in. Guilty for so many things. Am I sticking around because he is there and wants to be with me? I think, for the most part, that is the reason why.

I don't want to be alone right now. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want "the rest of my life" to be a short time. I don't want a short time to be happy.

I just want to know who will be with me. Who will follow me into the dark?

Anyone?

I Think I'm Paranoid

I visited the new doctor today and there was such a big difference between this place and the previous one. I felt very comfortable here. The staff was pleasant, it felt confidential, and the doctor was extremely nice. We just did some blood work and I got a couple of shots (Hep - second round - and Pneumonia). I'm supposed to go back in two weeks for my results, which will include my resistance testing. Let's hope for some good news.

After that, I came home and was supposed to go for a run, but instead just relaxed. I think I'm allowing myself to get too lazy. I need to fix that. Supposed to get up and run in the morning.

TA invited me and CG over to watch Nurse Jackie, since we are so far behind. He also made some dinner. He and I didn't get a chance to talk before CG got there, so he walked me home and I told him about the doctor. In some ways, it is great that I can talk to my friends about things because I'm more likely to be comfortable telling them things, but in other ways I just get so nervous that one day they are going to leave me.

I hate all the thinking involved. I just want to be carefree.

Doctor Visit

On my way to my new doctor. Really nervous about everything, but hopeful and happy to be taking another step in the right direction.

Back to Overwhelmed

Got back a few hours ago. The trip was fantastic. We had a lot of fun, despite some issues during the race (our cyclist's bike fell apart and so my team was disqualified).

I had a few moments of feeling depressed, but overall it was good. TA and I had a small talk earlier today about how things were going and my upcoming doctor appointment this Wednesday. I'm happy to be going, but I'm still pretty nervous about it all. Sometimes I just hate the life I have. Not that I'm feeling suicidal right now, I just really am not feeling good about life today.

Just overwhelmed with it all.

Get Set. Go!

We are heading upstate tomorrow morning for a weekend away. We'll be in Syracuse Saturday to just chill. On Sunday, we'll be participating in a Run/Bike/Kayak relay race in Auburn, then camping out somewhere overnight. On Monday, we'll come back to the city.

I'm looking forward to being away from the city, even if it is just for a weekend. TA, DM and CG are going, along with two others from the team. I think it will be good for me to re-center.

I'm not in shape for the race and we've all decided we are doing it just for fun. Especially since DM and I had trouble finding kayaks to rent and ended up with some crappy recreational ones (as opposed to fast, racing ones). At this point, I would almost rather do the running, but that's mainly because I'm slightly nervous about kayaking.

Regardless, I'm just happy to get away. Hopefully I have a good story to tell when we get back.

Only Takes Seconds

Sometimes I wake up and think, "Oh wow, that was all just a dream!"

And then after a few seconds I realize. It isn't.