The last two days flew by so quickly. I can't say that they were "good" days, but I guess they weren't terrible days. But for some reason it felt like a really shitty week.
Tonight, I had a meeting with ND and DP for our start-up. My ability to contribute and maintain balance came up, and I now have to make a decision if I want to take a month off to just focus on me. Part of me feels like this is a good idea, but another part of me feels like nothing good will come of doing that.
Lots to think about.
Afterwards, I met up with the boys to watch a group of short plays at a small theater in the East Village. It was a good time; better than I expected, actually. My mind didn't wander too much and there were no mood swings. But, at times, there were thoughts. Thoughts of relationships and thoughts of being alone.
Right before the show started, NP texted me. I keep going back and forth between "breaking up" with him or staying around. I have been leaning towards ending it, but the other night when I was there, I thought that was the wrong decision. Ultimately, I know I'm not in a place to offer him what he is looking for, and I have way too much to sort out. He seems totally ready for another step. I never even expected us to be sticking it out this long.
And all of this just makes me feel guilty. Guilty that I am thinking of ending it. Guilty that I have let it go on this long. Guilty for the stupid decision and the risk that put him in. Guilty for so many things. Am I sticking around because he is there and wants to be with me? I think, for the most part, that is the reason why.
I don't want to be alone right now. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want "the rest of my life" to be a short time. I don't want a short time to be happy.
I just want to know who will be with me. Who will follow me into the dark?