Inevitable..?

On my way back from Fire Island from a last minute day trip out. I had a good time with the boys and am glad I came.

This weekend, I hung out with NP. I didn't really know what I wanted to do when I went over, but by the time I got there, I realized I missed him. I still don't really know how I feel about him, but I do care about him and I did miss seeing his smiley, happy face. It was so refreshing to see that again.

I ended up spending the night. We were fooling around and went farther than we had before. I felt a little more comfortable, but also wanted to put a condom on right away. I went through three of them before I felt like giving up. The first one kept feeling like it broke and the other two definitely broke. I got so worried after that. How could we ever risk it?

He was SO patient with me.

I told him that I felt like we would never have sex again and that worried me. He said he didn't feel the same way and thought with some ground rules, we could have sex. Basically, condom on right away and pull out before I finished. He said he knew it wouldn't be the same feeling but that's what he could offer. To me, it sounded great, but part of me still felt nervous.

We ended up just jacking off (though at one point I gave him a blow job for a little). I was really happy with the way things turned out, but I'm still nervous about it all. Also, I just don't know what I want. He's a great guy and is sticking around, but I feel like since I'm not 100%, I have to be careful.

Overall, I'm happy with where we left things, but I hope I'm not just delaying the inevitable.