Inevitable..?

On my way back from Fire Island from a last minute day trip out. I had a good time with the boys and am glad I came.

This weekend, I hung out with NP. I didn't really know what I wanted to do when I went over, but by the time I got there, I realized I missed him. I still don't really know how I feel about him, but I do care about him and I did miss seeing his smiley, happy face. It was so refreshing to see that again.

I ended up spending the night. We were fooling around and went farther than we had before. I felt a little more comfortable, but also wanted to put a condom on right away. I went through three of them before I felt like giving up. The first one kept feeling like it broke and the other two definitely broke. I got so worried after that. How could we ever risk it?

He was SO patient with me.

I told him that I felt like we would never have sex again and that worried me. He said he didn't feel the same way and thought with some ground rules, we could have sex. Basically, condom on right away and pull out before I finished. He said he knew it wouldn't be the same feeling but that's what he could offer. To me, it sounded great, but part of me still felt nervous.

We ended up just jacking off (though at one point I gave him a blow job for a little). I was really happy with the way things turned out, but I'm still nervous about it all. Also, I just don't know what I want. He's a great guy and is sticking around, but I feel like since I'm not 100%, I have to be careful.

Overall, I'm happy with where we left things, but I hope I'm not just delaying the inevitable.

A Week In Review

Despite the fact that I had things to write about, I somehow have let a week go by.

On Wednesday, I had dinner with the new guy I met from the poz personals site (ET). I had a really good time. I like how carefree it feels to hang out with him. We don't really talk about being positive much, but to have someone around who knows what it feels like (especially since he has known for a year and a half) is really nice. I was having a somewhat bad day at work, so I broke down and had a glass of wine with my dinner. After, I went to Therapy with the boys. The show was good and I ended up having another two drinks there.

Thursday, we had a Project Runway night at CG's. Just about everyone in the group came by to watch, so it was a good time.

Friday night, I ended up just staying in since it started to rain and I was so tired from the week. Plus, with the house being a little quiet, I wanted to enjoy it while I could.

Saturday, I had a good run with the team, did brunch with the boys, played a long game of Monopoly at CG's, and then watched a movie with TA. We wanted to get tickets for Shakespeare In The Park on Sunday, so we had to get up early.

When I got home on Saturday, I ended up chatting with an old friend (CS) in LA who I knew was positive. We didn't talk long, but it was nice to hear how he is doing. He said he would call me this week before my doctor appointment to talk more.

Sunday consisted of me waiting in the park for 5 hours to get tickets, hanging out with MK, and then going to see the play at night. Overall, the weekend was relaxing but fun.

Yesterday, I got a call from my doctor's office that my follow up appointment had to be rescheduled to Wednesday because the doctor would be out on Friday. I'm really okay with that since I want to know my lab results asap.

I'm dogsitting for a friend this week, so I will be staying at his place in the East Village till Sunday. It is almost like a mini-vacation and I'm really looking forward to it.

The one thing I'm not looking forward to? Talking to NP. I haven't seen him in over a week and have hardly talked to him recently (and when I have, it was all via text). I know we need to talk but finding a good time to do it and, more honestly, the courage, is difficult. But I have to do it soon.

Group Sessions

I went to a "drop in" group session tonight at GMHC. I was not really looking forward to it, but I knew I had to do it.

"Worth a try," I thought.

TA's date was cancelled and he was in the area, so we met up beforehand. I felt like I was being walked to my first day of school with the encouragement coming from him and the nerves coming from me.

When I walked in, there was just one person there. She happened to be te facilitator. Behind me, another guy walked in. She asked, "what are you here for?". In what I'm learning is my quiet and scared voice, I stummered, "group.. drop in... HIV session?".

She said okay and asked us both to sit. I texted TA right away that there was only one other person in there. WTF?! He responded by telling me I didn't have to stay if I wasn't comfortable, but he was sure more would come. He was technically right.

After we introduced ourselves and did a little talking, another guy walked in. I guess that counted for more people, making TA right.

Just two people wasn't really working, but there really was no way for me to get up and go. I mean, there were 4 chairs in a circle making it tough to just go unnoticed, as planned.

We talked about a lot of things. I felt good trying to help the others. One guy had been diagnosed 9 years ago and the other guy just a few days ago. Interestingly enough, we still had a lot we were able to share.

In the end, I'm glad I went. But a lot of me felt guilty. Compared o these guys, I've got it easy. My friends have been amazing and very supportive. I have a good doctor. I have a good job. I have a lot going for me. These guys had a lot more to deal with.

I always used to say, "things could be worse". After my diagnosis, I didn't think that was the case. After tonight, I realize it is.

I have a lot of opportunity. Afterall, I'm coping well when compared to others. I feel like I need to find a way to give to others. To find a way to help out. I know I need to accept this all a little mire first, but I would like to find a way to volunteer in some way once I'm in a better space.

Until then, I'll plan on returning to the group session again next week.

Unexpected

Yesterday, I hung out with someone I met from the Poz personals site. I contacted him shortly after I found out and was really just looking for someone to talk to who might understand me more. He responded to me a month after I wrote to him and after a few emails back and forth, we finally hung out yesterday.

I didn't think I'd enjoy being in the company of someone else positive so much. I felt very at ease about things. We walked around a little and then went to Therapy. We didn't talk about being positive until the end, where we told each other how/when we found out. He has known January 2008. It was good to hear how well he is doing and how he has dealt with things.

I almost backed out of meeting, but am glad that I didn't. I think we might hang out again this week. I don't see it (nor do I think I'm ready for it to) go any where beyond a friendship, but it was really nice and unexpected.

I Thought Wrong

Hope is not something I normally have. Faith and trust in others; not my thing. I believe that people are bound to disappoint. It is human nature. For that reason, I have a hard time getting *really* close to people, because I never have enough faith that they will be around long enough to matter.

But every now and then, I start to have a glimmer of faith. I start to think that people will stick to the things they say. That I'm important enough to others to matter.

And every time, I'm disappointed.

TA has been one of the most amazing during this whole ordeal. He has been encouraging me to go to group therapy and I finally said yes. I planned to go on Tuesday. He said he would meet with me before and go with me to GMHC because he had to go there also. He offered to be available after to talk if I wanted. I thought this was the nicest thing. Knowing how nervous I am about going to one of these things, I'd like to be able to have support before/after.

Yesterday, we were hanging out with MK on his roof. TA texted the boy he is dating to get dinner this week. They made plans for Tuesday night. That completely killed my mood. I didn't want to say anything at the moment because 1) MK was there and doesn't know what's going on, and b) I don't want my life to burden other people living their own. He made an offer and now he found something else to do. I don't want him to come with me out of guilt. I want him to do it because he wants to.

I'm just a little disappointed. But I should have known. Maybe I'm being too sensitive; I'm known to be that way.

Who Will Follow Me Into The Dark?

The last two days flew by so quickly. I can't say that they were "good" days, but I guess they weren't terrible days. But for some reason it felt like a really shitty week.

Tonight, I had a meeting with ND and DP for our start-up. My ability to contribute and maintain balance came up, and I now have to make a decision if I want to take a month off to just focus on me. Part of me feels like this is a good idea, but another part of me feels like nothing good will come of doing that.

Lots to think about.

Afterwards, I met up with the boys to watch a group of short plays at a small theater in the East Village. It was a good time; better than I expected, actually. My mind didn't wander too much and there were no mood swings. But, at times, there were thoughts. Thoughts of relationships and thoughts of being alone.

Right before the show started, NP texted me. I keep going back and forth between "breaking up" with him or staying around. I have been leaning towards ending it, but the other night when I was there, I thought that was the wrong decision. Ultimately, I know I'm not in a place to offer him what he is looking for, and I have way too much to sort out. He seems totally ready for another step. I never even expected us to be sticking it out this long.

And all of this just makes me feel guilty. Guilty that I am thinking of ending it. Guilty that I have let it go on this long. Guilty for the stupid decision and the risk that put him in. Guilty for so many things. Am I sticking around because he is there and wants to be with me? I think, for the most part, that is the reason why.

I don't want to be alone right now. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want "the rest of my life" to be a short time. I don't want a short time to be happy.

I just want to know who will be with me. Who will follow me into the dark?

Anyone?

I Think I'm Paranoid

I visited the new doctor today and there was such a big difference between this place and the previous one. I felt very comfortable here. The staff was pleasant, it felt confidential, and the doctor was extremely nice. We just did some blood work and I got a couple of shots (Hep - second round - and Pneumonia). I'm supposed to go back in two weeks for my results, which will include my resistance testing. Let's hope for some good news.

After that, I came home and was supposed to go for a run, but instead just relaxed. I think I'm allowing myself to get too lazy. I need to fix that. Supposed to get up and run in the morning.

TA invited me and CG over to watch Nurse Jackie, since we are so far behind. He also made some dinner. He and I didn't get a chance to talk before CG got there, so he walked me home and I told him about the doctor. In some ways, it is great that I can talk to my friends about things because I'm more likely to be comfortable telling them things, but in other ways I just get so nervous that one day they are going to leave me.

I hate all the thinking involved. I just want to be carefree.

Doctor Visit

On my way to my new doctor. Really nervous about everything, but hopeful and happy to be taking another step in the right direction.

Back to Overwhelmed

Got back a few hours ago. The trip was fantastic. We had a lot of fun, despite some issues during the race (our cyclist's bike fell apart and so my team was disqualified).

I had a few moments of feeling depressed, but overall it was good. TA and I had a small talk earlier today about how things were going and my upcoming doctor appointment this Wednesday. I'm happy to be going, but I'm still pretty nervous about it all. Sometimes I just hate the life I have. Not that I'm feeling suicidal right now, I just really am not feeling good about life today.

Just overwhelmed with it all.

Get Set. Go!

We are heading upstate tomorrow morning for a weekend away. We'll be in Syracuse Saturday to just chill. On Sunday, we'll be participating in a Run/Bike/Kayak relay race in Auburn, then camping out somewhere overnight. On Monday, we'll come back to the city.

I'm looking forward to being away from the city, even if it is just for a weekend. TA, DM and CG are going, along with two others from the team. I think it will be good for me to re-center.

I'm not in shape for the race and we've all decided we are doing it just for fun. Especially since DM and I had trouble finding kayaks to rent and ended up with some crappy recreational ones (as opposed to fast, racing ones). At this point, I would almost rather do the running, but that's mainly because I'm slightly nervous about kayaking.

Regardless, I'm just happy to get away. Hopefully I have a good story to tell when we get back.

Only Takes Seconds

Sometimes I wake up and think, "Oh wow, that was all just a dream!"

And then after a few seconds I realize. It isn't.