Sunday, August 16, 2009

I Thought Wrong

Hope is not something I normally have. Faith and trust in others; not my thing. I believe that people are bound to disappoint. It is human nature. For that reason, I have a hard time getting *really* close to people, because I never have enough faith that they will be around long enough to matter.

But every now and then, I start to have a glimmer of faith. I start to think that people will stick to the things they say. That I'm important enough to others to matter.

And every time, I'm disappointed.

TA has been one of the most amazing during this whole ordeal. He has been encouraging me to go to group therapy and I finally said yes. I planned to go on Tuesday. He said he would meet with me before and go with me to GMHC because he had to go there also. He offered to be available after to talk if I wanted. I thought this was the nicest thing. Knowing how nervous I am about going to one of these things, I'd like to be able to have support before/after.

Yesterday, we were hanging out with MK on his roof. TA texted the boy he is dating to get dinner this week. They made plans for Tuesday night. That completely killed my mood. I didn't want to say anything at the moment because 1) MK was there and doesn't know what's going on, and b) I don't want my life to burden other people living their own. He made an offer and now he found something else to do. I don't want him to come with me out of guilt. I want him to do it because he wants to.

I'm just a little disappointed. But I should have known. Maybe I'm being too sensitive; I'm known to be that way.

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