Sober, Temporarily

Tonight I'm hanging with TA, CG and AC for a night of TV and wine. Should be a good time.

Starting tomorrow I'm going temporarily sober. I have a big relay race coming up in mid-September and I like to use this time to detox. Plus, I figure it can't be that bad for my overall health, given my status.

I've done it before, so I know it won't be a problem. But with everything else going on, I wonder if I'll decide to extend it beyond the race.

I doubt it. But anything is possible.

Yesterday

After my last post (which was literally seconds ago), I realized that yesterday was my one month "anniversary" (is it sick to call it that?) of my diagnosis.

I feel like I've made a lot of progress in just one month. I think it helps that I started working right away. And of course, my great support system has been amazing.

One month... wow.

If I can continue to progress at a similar rate as I have in the last 30 days, I really might just be okay in a few months. I know that isn't realistic, but I can't help but feel that way. I'm sure going to the doctor and getting lab work done will always be a downer. I don't want numbers like my last set, but I know I will continue to have numbers like that until I get on meds. Which really makes me sad.

This week, I only had one little breakdown. And it was after I found out I would be okay with my insurance. Compared with the first week between my reactive antibody test and my confirmatory results where all I did was cry and think about how horrible my life would be, that is pretty fucking amazing.

Yes, things really might be okay

Progress!

Tuesday night, I focused on researching more on my insurance and on doctors. After a lot of reading on if my insurance would cover me and if I could go to a doctor that NC recommended to me, I was very happy to find out that I can! Yesterday, I made an appointment for my first visit with my new doctor. Well, I hope he becomes my doctor. I've heard good things about him, but I don't want to get too excited just in case we don't click.

My appointment is August 12.

Now it is just a countdown.

Mixed

Just left NP's. We had a good night. I'm finally more comfortable being quasi-sexual with him. I got freaked out at times, and I still don't get why he is sticking around. We talked about that a bit, which was nice.

But it was also really difficult for me to realize I can never be completely with him. Especially because as we were in bed kissing, I got so into it that it's all I wanted to do. Realizing that's not an option really hit me. He keeps telling me there is a lot we can still do, but how can we both stay satisfied if we can never fuck again?

We've talked openly about if this gets boring for either of us, it's okay to end it. Part of me wants to end it before he does while another part thinks I should just be grateful and take it for what it is while I have it.

And then there is a small part of me that just wants to have sex again.

I feel horrible for even thinking that. The truth is I could have sex with someone else right now easier than I could with him. I feel a deeper responsibility for him.

I don't really know what to do, but I think I'm going to just see where it all goes. He is a great guy and I'm lucky he has stood by me.

Broken Promise

So I broke a promise.

I didn't get anywhere in terms of finding a doctor by Sunday. I did ask 4 of the 6 for advice, and think I know my gameplan now.

It sometimes gets so easy to just forget this all ever happened. Just move right along and pretend there aren't a million things that I still need to sort out. I mean, it hasn't even been a month since I got confirmation!

Part of me wants to pretend like everything is okay, but it's not. Things aren't bad. But they certainly aren't all okay.

I need to get a doctor ASAP. I need to know my CD4 and VL numbers again. I need to know if I should be on meds.

Lots to do. Really have to commit and not let myself down.

Commitment

I'm promising myself that by Sunday, I will make a decsion on which doctor I will be seeing.

I am going to look at two places this week, and have asked TA to join me. He has been really great at keeping things light and fluffy, yet still checking in on how I'm doing. I think he will be best for this task.

Wait and See

I had a nice weekend with my friends. Was outdoors a lot and had a great time. Saw Twelfth Night in Central Park last night. It was amazing. The whole weekend reminded me why I love living in New York and really made me feel like Summer is really here.

But then today happened. And I started to think how much I've neglected my status. I know that I'm not supposed to let it rule my life, but I also can't just pretend like it isn't there. I haven't figured out what I'm going to do about my doctor or where I'll be getting my treatments, and that is a big deal. I am going to commit to doing that this week.

I also just don't know how to manage some of my relationships. One, in particular: NP. We went to a movie tonight and had a nice time. After we went to get some food and everything was normal, but for some reason (which I cannot remember right now) reality hit me. Hard.

I don't even really know what our relationship status is. We were very casual before all this happened, and now I feel like we're forced into something more serious. And, quite honestly, I like him more now that I've gotten to know him, but I also know that I am not ready for anything serious. I don't know what to do.

I just sent him an email to apologize for the way the night ended and to say a little bit more about what's on my mind.

I guess I'll just wait and see. Like everything else. I'll wait and see.

Results #1.2 - CD4: 483, VL: 45,805

I finally got the final, official numbers yesterday. I couldn't post from work and stayed at NP's last night, so posting them now.

Nothing really changes from how I feel, but I'm also not really down about it. It just is what it is.

Number Five

Last night I told TA. I had been trying to tell him since Monday, but the timing wasn't right until last night.

I am so relieved that he finally knows. It has been very difficult for me to keep this from him. I felt this divide between us and I know it was due to this. I just didn't know how to act in front of him.

I had no reason to be, but I was nervous to tell him. The thing about DM and ND is that they have been around through some pretty shitty times, but they have never left me. I knew they would stick around during this. Telling NC was somewhat easy because I knew that he and DM were close and he is open minded enough to not judge me. Plus, the fact that I wasn't *as close* to him as the others made it a little easier. Of course, telling NP was really difficult, but that is because this had a greater meaning for him. He was at risk and it changes everything between us.

But telling TA... it was different. I've known him for only a year now, but for some reason I place him up there with DM and ND. Growing close to someone so quickly scares me. I'm afraid of losing him all the time. But he has stayed around. And if this doesn't make him leave me, well, then what else possibly could?

Five down; one more to go from the original six.

Breakdown or Breakthrough?

Last night, ND and I got into it and it turned into her first real breakdown. At least, as far as I'm aware. I'm happy for it. I don't think she had let it out yet.

It's hard knowing that I'm usually the person she would talk to about things and her probably not feeling okay coming to me with this. But it happened and that's good.

A lot of good came out of it. We talked a lot about things and I think her concerns came out. And I was able to ask her what I've already asked DM, "Are you mad at me for this?" I think it's a very valid question and I have trusted both of them to tell me the truth. They've both said no.

I think that the breakdowns are more like breakthroughs. Allows the person to confront their deepest fears/concerns, regardless of how "silly" or "illogical" they may seem.

And then we move on.

Results #1.1 - CD4: 483, VL: 45-47,000

So I randomly ran into my doctor tonight and was able to get a bit more info out of him. My VL is between 45k-47k. He couldn't remember the exact numbers.

I'm not really thrilled at all about my numbers. He told me not to worry, but it is really hard for me to wait it all out.

I'm going back in 6 weeks for another round and then 6 weeks after that. He said we should definitely wait before making any decisions about meds. We had a rather lengthy talk and I got a lot answered. In the end, I feel better that we spoke, but I'm still kinda down.

Results #1 - CD4: 483, VL: n/a

Got my first lab results back. I actually didn't get to see the doctor because he wasn't in yet, so the Medical Practitioner told them to me. From my memory, which isn't the best to rely on for the exact number since it was a shock to me, my CD4 was 483.

I really, really, REALLY wasn't prepared for that. I thought for sure that I would be above 800 somewhere. I had no reason to think that; it just is what I thought. And mainly, what I hoped for. I know without my VL in yet, I can't really know much, but if they say that healthy is above 500, that makes me feel like I'm officially in the "sick" range.

I don't want to be sick. I just found out about all of this!

It is way too early to be sick.

6/30/09 - CD4: 483, VL: n/a

Morning Check-in

This morning I had to wake up a little earlier so I can run up to the clinic to get this TB screening checked. I might also be able to get my CD4 counts today. I'm anxious to hear my CD4 counts and wish I could get my VL too, but that won't be ready till my next appointment.

I'm feeling pretty good, but I am very anxious to see if those results came in. I think I need to stop stressing about it because I'm making my stomach upset over it.

If I do get the counts today, I'll post them. Let's hope for the best!

A New Day

Today, I start my new job. I'm looking forward to this helping me move on and realize that life goes on.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor for the first time to get my blood taken for CD4, VL, and basically everything else. I don't like the place at all, but I did like the doctor. I might be able to find out my CD4 this week, but VL I won't know until I go back July 16. I'm also going to look for another place to go that caters more to my demographics (read: young & gay) so I feel more comfortable.

Here's to a new start!