Monday, July 6, 2009

Number Five

Last night I told TA. I had been trying to tell him since Monday, but the timing wasn't right until last night.

I am so relieved that he finally knows. It has been very difficult for me to keep this from him. I felt this divide between us and I know it was due to this. I just didn't know how to act in front of him.

I had no reason to be, but I was nervous to tell him. The thing about DM and ND is that they have been around through some pretty shitty times, but they have never left me. I knew they would stick around during this. Telling NC was somewhat easy because I knew that he and DM were close and he is open minded enough to not judge me. Plus, the fact that I wasn't *as close* to him as the others made it a little easier. Of course, telling NP was really difficult, but that is because this had a greater meaning for him. He was at risk and it changes everything between us.

But telling TA... it was different. I've known him for only a year now, but for some reason I place him up there with DM and ND. Growing close to someone so quickly scares me. I'm afraid of losing him all the time. But he has stayed around. And if this doesn't make him leave me, well, then what else possibly could?

Five down; one more to go from the original six.

1 comment:

  1. I am very impressed (and proud, even though I do not know you) with the way that you are handling everything. More so, I am very glad to see that you have so many people that you can trust with this type of disclosure and know that you can count on them. I seriously believe that we will make it through this "new life" more successfully as long as we have the love of others to keep us strong and mentally/spiritually healthy.

    Ps./ I saw your numbers below and I wanted to tell you that (based on my doc says and what I have read in several places) your CD4 is not a bad figure (mine was 450, but it highly impacted by the seroconversion). Now you will just need to figure whether you want to start therapy at this point or later. Various studies indicate that the earlier that we start (especially for those of us who are younger) the better our chances of remaining on top of this.

    Again, best of luck. I look forward to seeing more of your entries.