Meds, Day 2

I'm not going to write an entry about my meds every day, but since it is still early on and I went out tonight, I thought it was worth writing about.

Tonight we celebrated DM's birthday by going out dancing at Sugarland. I figured since last night I hardly felt anything and it took awhile to kick in, that I could manage to hang out for a bit with the guys. I took the pill around midnight (12:07 to be exact), and stayed till 1 to give me enough time to get back home before feeling dizzy. It is now a little after 2:20 am and I still feel fine. I can feel that I took something, but it isn't really intrusive.

I am hoping that I'll be able to go to sleep soon and that it doesn't keep me up at all.

TA was really good about checking on me through the night. I feel bad that he assumes so much responsibility, but it is also really nice to have him around.

Night One Down. A lifetime to go

Night one is over with. I hardly felt anything at all. I was reporting to DM through the first 2 hours of it. After about 45 mins, I hardly felt anything. Then when I finally could feel it, it was just a slightly numb feeling, but I could still walk. It was almost like being drunk but not that bad. Around 1.5 hours in it was more noticeable but I was still able to stand and walk. I even did a little dance in my room to see how much I could handle.

Around 2 hours in, I definitely had to lay down because I couldn't walk at all. The effects after that were more funny than anything. I would have a few minutes where things felt very fuzzy, and then a few minutes where I would be normal. It would go back and forth between that. At one point in the night I thought that things seemed a little speeded up, but I can't really explain it. My music seemed to be turned up just a little faster. That part could have totally been in my head, but it was several songs that seemed that way and time also seemed to move a little faster.

I didn't get to sleep until 4 am. Hopefully that will go away. That was partially because of the meds and partially because I was talking to this new guy. Let's hope that he ends up being with that!

So that wasn't bad at all. I have a slight headache right now, but I also seem to be coming down with a slight cough, so that could be attributed to either one. Now I just have to grasp that I'll be doing this for the rest of my life.

Meds, Day 1

So I guess a lot has happened since the last time I posted. I realized I had to take a break from a lot of things, including my blog, because I was getting too wrapped up in things again. But now I realize that I do need some sort of outlet in my life.

Since I've last written, I've had several more labs and my counts have remained pretty steady. Lowest CD4 so far was 374 and highest VL was somewhere around 65k. However, my doctors (I have two now) have convinced me to start on meds. We had conversations about it over the last 4 visits and I finally decided to start.

After weighing 3 different options, I decided on starting Atripla. I mainly decided based on the ease of one pill a day, plus the fact that the side effects are ones that I can more likely deal with. But I'm really hoping they don't last (if I get them at all).

So this is it. I started tonight. I took the pretty large pill at 11:21 pm. I feel fine so far, but I don't know how long it might take for something to happen. I'm planning on going to sleep an hour after I took it to give me enough time to see how I feel.

If I can't sleep or start to feel side effects, I'm going to blog about it. And I am planning on blogging much more frequently now.

Note To Self

Go to therapy.

Learn how to deal with feelings of lonliness.

The New Adventures of Old Me

So I let some time pass between my last post and this one. What has changed? A lot. And not much at all.

To start, I still have HIV. No surprise there, right? I guess that means the denial phase is over since I can "say" it now. Though I still haven't said it out loud much (if really at all). As far as I know, I'm still pretty healthy. I get another set of lab results on Friday, so I'm looking forward to that. My doctor says I can call in to get the results now which also makes me feel good about things.

A couple weeks ago, I disclosed to someone else. It was a pretty bad experience. I was drunk when I told him and it was online. He has reason to be concerned given our past experiences together and it really screwed me up that he was so upset. We have since spoken to each other and, luckily, he tested negative. It had been enough time between our last "meeting" and when he tested for him to be confident with that reading. He said he wanted to hang out to catch up sometime. We'll see.

EV has completely stopped responding to me. I was a little upset about that because I liked having someone around who understood my point-of-view. For whatever reason, though, he obviously decided it wasn't something he wanted to have around - neither as a relationship nor as a friendship. I still learned a few things and am grateful for that experience.

Since then, I feel like I have my good and bad days. Sometimes I digress and think "fuck it" - that there is nothing left to happen to me and I (attempt to) pursue unhealthy activities. I'm sure that's easy enough to read into. But most days I just feel uncomfortable. I feel awkward. I feel like anything I ever do again in life has to be so calculated. I will never be able to be carefree again.

Never.

Tonight I hung out with some of the guys and hearing them talk about their stories sometimes makes me so depressed. I can't relate at all anymore. I could never meet a guy at a bar, bring him home, and then say "btw, I have HIV." It just wouldn't work.

So what have I learned in the last 30+ days? Not much. I've learned that I'm probably further along in the "processing" phase than others would be at this point. But I'm still not okay. I still have moments that are not okay at all. Then again, I have moments that are so great that I feel like everything is great.

Still a process. Still learning. They say it takes a year to completely deal with the issues. 3 months down; 9 to go.

Last Night

I hung out with EV (the boy I met from Poz Personals) last night. We had a good time sitting on his roof and drinking some wine. We moved down into his apartment to hang out and eventually ended up making out. I stayed the night (we didn't have sex, but we fooled around).

I guess I was wrong when I thought nothing more than friends. Who knows what will happen. He's a cool guy to hang out with, so I'm fine with whatever.

Results #2 - CD4: 494, VL: 38,000

I just left the doctor's office. This appointment has been rescheduled a few times, so I'm glad to have finally made it in.

I was fine for the most part leading up to it, but last night I started to think too much and began to worry. On my way to my appointment, I really started to worry. I feel fine, but I started to worry that the doctor was going to tell me that my CD4 dropped so low that I now have AIDS.

I almost forgot how pleasant they are at this office. The staff is extremely friendly. Very different experience than the first place I went to. After they took my vitals, the doctor came in and told me my results. CD4 of 494 and VL of 38,000. I was so relieved! I don't know why I thought it was going to move in the opposite direction. I'm sure it is a feeling that I'll just have to get used to. I'm going to be nervous with my doctor appointments; that's just the way it is.

I ended up crying (tears of joy) after he told me. I wasn't sobbing, but just tears streaming down with relief. He noted that he had to be more aware of my emotional state, since it was all still so new to me.

Anyway, I'm just happy for the numbers. I go back October 2 for another round of blood work. After that, if the trend looks "good," I'll start doing every 3 months.