Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The New Adventures of Old Me

So I let some time pass between my last post and this one. What has changed? A lot. And not much at all.

To start, I still have HIV. No surprise there, right? I guess that means the denial phase is over since I can "say" it now. Though I still haven't said it out loud much (if really at all). As far as I know, I'm still pretty healthy. I get another set of lab results on Friday, so I'm looking forward to that. My doctor says I can call in to get the results now which also makes me feel good about things.

A couple weeks ago, I disclosed to someone else. It was a pretty bad experience. I was drunk when I told him and it was online. He has reason to be concerned given our past experiences together and it really screwed me up that he was so upset. We have since spoken to each other and, luckily, he tested negative. It had been enough time between our last "meeting" and when he tested for him to be confident with that reading. He said he wanted to hang out to catch up sometime. We'll see.

EV has completely stopped responding to me. I was a little upset about that because I liked having someone around who understood my point-of-view. For whatever reason, though, he obviously decided it wasn't something he wanted to have around - neither as a relationship nor as a friendship. I still learned a few things and am grateful for that experience.

Since then, I feel like I have my good and bad days. Sometimes I digress and think "fuck it" - that there is nothing left to happen to me and I (attempt to) pursue unhealthy activities. I'm sure that's easy enough to read into. But most days I just feel uncomfortable. I feel awkward. I feel like anything I ever do again in life has to be so calculated. I will never be able to be carefree again.


Tonight I hung out with some of the guys and hearing them talk about their stories sometimes makes me so depressed. I can't relate at all anymore. I could never meet a guy at a bar, bring him home, and then say "btw, I have HIV." It just wouldn't work.

So what have I learned in the last 30+ days? Not much. I've learned that I'm probably further along in the "processing" phase than others would be at this point. But I'm still not okay. I still have moments that are not okay at all. Then again, I have moments that are so great that I feel like everything is great.

Still a process. Still learning. They say it takes a year to completely deal with the issues. 3 months down; 9 to go.

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